Happy Adoption Day, [The Kidlet]!

Its hard to believe that seven years have past since I first met my son! To celebrate we’re spending time together as a family and going out to dinner at the restaurant [The Kidlet] chose (Carmalita’s on Park Street). I’m giving him a little present (another WebKinz) and a card, and otherwise we’re keeping today low-key.

This month we’ve had a lot of emotional ups and downs pertaining to adoption (and [The Kidlet]’s understanding of adoption) so today is a day to be a family and do something fun. We’ll tackle the more difficult topics of “adoption discussion” on another day…

Where baby brothers & sisters come from

In the past, as an adoptive parent, I’ve felt a lot of guilt that I thought was because I adopted my son. Then I started thinking: “why do I feel guilty that I adopted my son?” and I couldn’t really find an answer.

I didn’t steal my son from the arms of a birth mother, I didn’t adopt using an unethical or coercive agency, I didn’t allow anyone to profit from my becoming a parent, I didn’t sever his ties to his family and I certainly didn’t adopt him out of desperation for my own needs. I also didn’t adopt to ’save a child’ or to ‘change his life’ and I didn’t adopt for some religious or political agenda. Nor do I advocate any of these points, quite the opposite, really. So, why did I feel so much guilt?

Then I realized that it’s not adopting that I feel guilty about, it’s that all parents feel guilt: Guilt comes with the territory of being a parent.

Do I feel guilty that I adopted? No. Do I question my own adoption motives? Absolutely not. I know why I adopted, and as far as I’m concerned, there’s no reason for me to feel guilty about it. I adopted because I wanted to be a mother. The end.

Isn’t that, after all, why we all become parents? Because we want to be parents? Maybe we should all feel guilty, then!

All parents feel guilt about their parenting decisions, but the key is to not get so caught up in that guilt that we forget that we have a job to do: Parenting. There is a big difference between feeling guilty about being a parent, and feeling guilty about how we parent.

I feel guilty if I make a decision that equals a bad parenting choice, but I do not, and will not, feel guilty about the decision I made to become an adoptive parent.

Now, when I think I feel guilty on my son’s birthday, I realize it’s not guilt that I feel, it’s the feeling of sadness for my son that First Mother isn’t there to share it with him. When I think I feel guilty that my son isn’t growing up in the country he was born in, I realize its not guilt, but anxiety over wondering if I’ll do an OK job as his parent encouraging him to embrace his own culture and identity. When I think I feel guilty because I am his mother and he’s not being parented by his biological family, I realize its not guilt, but anger over the loss I know he will feel (and the loss I can’t take away or change) as an adopted person. When I think I feel guilty because he makes me laugh, cry, love and live my life for him every single day, I know it is because feeling guilty is a parent’s job, and its not really guilt, after all: its concern for his well-being and my intense want (need?) for him to grow up to be a happy, emotionally secure, self-reliant, independent, loving, understanding and kind human being.

I’ve figured out that there’s no guilt over adoption here, its just regular ‘ol, normal parenting guilt. And THAT can’t be all that much of bad of a thing.

Those Dimples!! originally uploaded by Krississippi.

Yes, I will say it (I don’t care what you think) – Happy National Adoption Day. My son’s life includes adoption and I don’t think there’s a reason in the world why I shouldn’t celebrate it just as much as we celebrate other parts of his life… like, his birthday! Earning his Tae Kwon Do yellow belt! The day he looses his next tooth! Each day he gets a sticker from his teacher…!

… and so on and so forth.

I understand why some are boycotting today, and that’s OK, that’s their prerogative. However, I won’t deny that I’m an adoptive parent nor will I not celebrate my son’s adoption.

My son is my son because of adoption.

I won’t deny or forget that my son has another family, another mother, another culture and I won’t dismiss his losses. I’m not ashamed of how he became my son, I won’t hide or make excuses for anyone (or to anyone). I will never deny or forget (or not celebrate) every part of who he is, including the fact that:

He is adopted.

I can choose to raise him to hide parts of himself, or I can choose to raise him to celebrate all parts of himself. I choose to raise him to be proud of who he is, where he is from, who he loves and who loves him. Adoption will never not be a pivotal moment in his life or a life-shaping aspect of it – and as his mother, I can either encourage feelings of shame and regret about his adoption, or I can teach him to strive to understand and know himself.

I guess I would consider anyone who has been a part of an adoption, a member of an “adoptive family”. Better yet, I’d just consider them part of a “family”…

I don’t think that the President’s National Adoption Awareness Month proclamation specifically leaves anyone out. The only thing ‘dubya could’ve done different (to appease the individual masses) would’ve been to acknowledge every single individual title. In that case he’d have to say something like

“During National Adoption Month, we recognize the adoptive and foster families… including, but not limited to, individuals who are adoptive and foster parents, adopted children, first mothers and fathers, step-children, half-siblings, children raised by friends/neighbors/extended family members, adopted adults, surrogate mothers, or anyone else an individual person feels is part of their family, regardless of blood-relation…etc. etc. etc.“

I mean, come on. That would be ridiculous.

If we’re going to talk about (and want, and work toward) progress, then at some point we have to recognize that to be included as a part of a “group” (in this case, a family) means to accept a place in that group (family), and NOT to insist on a sub-group (an self-excluding title) of the group (family) in order to gain recognition.  I think this goes for “adoptive parents” as well as “birth parents”.  We are parents, OK?  We have children and that, my friend, is where the focus should lie.

A family is a family is a family, IMHO. Heck, I’ve always considered myself part of an “adopted family” long before I ever “adopted” or became an “adoptive mother”. Does this mean the president was trying to deliberately not recognize my past family ties because prior to the year 2000 I wasn’t a member of an “adoptive family” (at least not in a legal sense)? I don’t think so.

I think that many people recognize birth parents/adoptive parents/adoptees as a part of an “adoptive family”, and I’m really surprised when I find people who are part of that family who feel left out because their specific role was not defined in the proclaimation.

How could a birth parent/adoptive parent/adoptee not consider themselves part of that family, which is this case, for this particular month, is defined as an “adoptive family”?

Eh, I’d be perfectly fine calling it “National Family Awareness Month” if it made any difference. YES, adoption is something to be celebrated and something to be aware of, too – but when it comes right down to it, the word “adoption” means nothing… the word “family” means everything.

Possibly the only good thing about the FOX News documentary “Facing Reality: Choice” is the fact that the film has no narration (albeit a scattering of text screens to fill in a few factual blanks) and allows the women and their families who are featured to speak in their own words. Aside from this, I was sorely disappointed in the reinforcement of the stereotypes associated with womens’ choices regarding pregnancy and parenting.

Obviously absent from the film was the element of loss in two of the three women’s stories.

It is difficult, if not impossible, to quantify a woman’s feelings of loss when it comes to her children – let alone qualify it on television by offering the viewer a tiny glimpse of only one part of that woman’s life during one-third of an hour’s documentary. “Facing Reality: Choice” made me downright angry – not only because the issue of “loss” was decisively skipped, but because the program seemed to focus on how very selfish and negative two of the stories were, while the third focused on the “right” kind of woman a mother should be and how disappointing/tragic/sad it is that she is the only one denied motherhood.

Why does the media need to reinforce these negative stereotypes?

Stereotype: Abortion is Selfish

Kayla is a 21 year old, unmarried beauty school student who gets pregnant unexpectedly, after having previously vowed chastity in high school before then becoming a sorority-esque party girl. Kayla’s mother religiously (literally) and supportingly stays by her side – even after being visibly shocked to discover that her daughter waits on the doctor’s table for what turns out to be, not her first abortion.

Kayla’s choice – aborting her pregnancy.

Kayla says, “I was still losing a baby, well, you know, not a life, but still losing that part of me… This situation, this is what I needed to do, this is what was right for me.“

Ditsy blond 20-something college girl who likes to party, gets pregnant and then feels “overwhelmed” and has multiple abortions so she can continue her beauty school party life. Could there have been a more stereotypical, white suburbia abortion story than this one?!

Not ONCE during Kayla’s story did I hear her refer to the unborn child in her womb as anything other than “it”. I would’ve liked to have known whether or not Kayla had any feelings of loss for the child she aborted.

Stereotype: Birth mothers are white trash, drug-addicted, irresponsible, walking wombs who shouldn’t have children, anyway.

Jeanne is a 29 year old, expectant mother who is separated from her husband and older children and pregnant with her sixth child. She has four living children, none of whom are being raised by her and at least one of whom was born addicted to drugs after she abused cocaine following the SIDs death of her fourth child. While considering making an adoption plan for the newest child, she suffers a miscarriage. Ten months later she is pregnant for the seventh time; the father is her third boyfriend in less than a year.

Jeanne’s choice – unknown. Her choice in the past – adoption.

Jeanne says, “It feels like it’s the right decision. It feels like I’m not having, like, too much second thoughts, anymore, but I also feel like its not only my decision and that’s what I’m starting to think, now… I don’t know why I keep getting pregnant, its like an empty feeling when you’re not. Probably because I’ve been pregnant so many times, so if I’ve gotten kinda used to more of that an not being pregnant… I have no regrets about my children, what I’ve done, I have no regrets.“

Jeanne is the woman in the program that has truly lost the most: Her own mother who “gave her up” for adoption, her infant son by death from SIDs, her other living children by the lack of resources to parent, her youngest child by adoption and an unborn child by miscarriage.

Its honestly no wonder that Jeanne has had the hardest time mothering – yet the program focuses not on what she’s lost, but more on why her losses are less relevant.

Stereotype: Women who ‘deserve’ to be mothers, and can’t be, are the ones who suffer loss the most.

Brooke is a 26 year old, married mother of one who has always wanted a lot of children. She and her husband have been struggling with infertility while trying for a second child. She finally becomes pregnant with a little girl they plan to name Marlee, only to tragically discover the baby has the fatal genetic disorder Trisomy 18. Admitting her choice may be “selfish,” her desire to meet her unborn child is too strong to ignore and Brooke spends a lot of time rubbing her visibly pregnant stomach while looking woeful.

Brooke’s choice – keeping her baby and continuing the pregnancy, knowing her child will not survive.

Brooke says, “I felt like she should be born like God meant for her to be born… It was still hard, you know, letting her go… It was still, hard… If this all happened again, nothing I would change. I would do everything exactly the same way.“

There is no doubt that Brooke and her family have suffered loss – the choice to carry a child to term knowing she will not live must be one of the most gut-wrenching decisions a woman can make. Unfortunately, Brooke’s story was the only one of the three on this program which represented loss associated with choice.

I’d like to ask Fox, “why is one woman’s loss greater than the loss of two others”? Stereotypically, women who lose children “by choice” (as in abortion and adoption) are thought of as being emotionally removed from the situation, not suffering loss because, after all, “they made the choice”. The reality is that many women regret their choice of abortion or adoption and feel a great sense of loss for the child they do not have. Fox fails to acknowledge the loss in Kayla and Jeanne’s stories.

Fox had the opportunity with “Facing Reality: Choice” to document the lives of non-stereotypical women making non-stereotypical choices. Instead, FOX chose to make this program about the same issues using stereotyped women. FOX further lost touch with reality by omitting “loss” from two of the three stories, therefore reinforcing the stereotypes. Fox could have done so much more with this documentary, but instead they gave society another reason to regard the stereotypes as truth.

With the plethora of stories about women’s choices available, why did Fox choose to feature these three women in such a stereotypical way? Tisk.

I found the link to “How Internationl Adoptees Feel” on Parenting After Adoption – a blog written by a First Mother.

A good read – Kudos and thanks for the link!

Have you seen it circling the blogosphere? I’m talking about the “Four Things About Adoption” meme and it all got started here. Then Jenna wrote about it so I’ll follow the leader with Four Things About Adoption:

Four Things I Thought About Adoption As a Child

1. My very favorite cousin in the whole world was adopted. He also never talked about what it meant to him that he was adopted. Therefore, I thought that all adopted people never questioned their adoptions.
2. I thought adoption was a charitable cause – the benefit of charity being the child who was adopted.
3. While I never believed adopted babies came from Mother Cabbage (that video warrants the need for an entirely different post) I thought that adopting was as easy as going to a hospital and “picking out” which baby you wanted to bring home.
4. I thought that if you were adopted you never thought about your “original” family. Why would you want to? Your adoptive family would do just fine. To sum it up: I thought adoption was perfect.

Four Things I’ve Learned Since Then

1. My favorite cousin really did have issues with his adoption (and so does every adoptive person).
2. Adoption is NOT a charitable cause. In fact, potential adoptive family who says they want to adopt to “save a child” SHOULD NEVER EVER BE ALLOWED TO ADOPT. Adoption is about wanting to be a parent. The end.
3. A child already has a mother from the time he was conceived. His mother “picked him” by carrying and giving him life. The thought of someone else “picking out a baby” dismisses the mother/child while conjuring up images of giddy to-be parents “shopping” for a baby. This imagery actually makes me physically ill, and knowing that we’re still promoting these thought-processes (beginning in childhood as evidenced in the Mother Cabbage video) only contributes to making it ok to think that humans can be bought and sold.
4. Adoption is NEVER perfect – not for the first mother, not for the adoptive parents, never for the child.

Four Silly Things People Have Said to Me About Adoption

1. “How easy is it to adopt?” – what they usually mean: “How quickly can I get a baby for as little money and wasted time spent on paperwork?”
2. “Your son is better off with the life you’ve given him.” This makes me downright angry. I love my son and I love our lives together, but for a stranger to assume they know his (or our) story and determine on a whim that “he’s better off” grinds me to the bone. I handle these statements by replying “I adopted for a selfish reason – I wanted to be a mom.” Some get it, some don’t.
3. The classic: “Why don’t you have your own children?”
4. “Aren’t you afraid his birth mother will try to take him back?” followed by “Why in the world would you want your son to meet his family? They’re obviously (insert derogatory assumptive comment here about his family being ‘bad’)”

Four Things That are Hard About Adoption

1. Being on the receiving end of hate – most often in the form of misdirected emotion being expressed as hate – from first mothers, adoptees, other adoptive parents who have different ideals/viewpoints.
2. Wanting to make someone understand what adoption is really about… and then realizing that no matter how much time you spend writing in adoption forums or speaking until you’re blue in the face, they’re still going to remain ignorant.
3. Having others (again, angry people with their own issues) perceive me as a “baby stealer”. I did not steal a baby, I did not coerce anyone, I did not even contribute to PROFITS that could’ve been made on the adoption of a child.
4. The knowledge that no matter how “good” of a mom I am, my son will still grow up questioning himself, his origins, his nature and all the “whys” about his adoption. No amount of good parenting on my part can take away who he is – he is an adopted person and will always be.

Four Ways My Adoptive Children Have Surprised Me

1. I don’t think I could’ve given birth to a child more my son, than MY SON. Aside from the emotional attachments and the deep ties I feel to him as his mother – I’ve never met another person, other than myself, who trips standing still.
2. My son’s strength. At seven years old he seems to have a wisdom about himself and who he is that I don’t think I gained until I was 30 (or maybe I still haven’t gained it?) He is like any child: he asks questions, he cries when something upsets him, he internalizes emotions and expresses them in not-so-productive ways – but at the same time, he is strong, maybe a little too strong.
3. I think I question and wonder about his first mother and internalize the circumstances leading to his adoption more than he does. Maybe this will change as my son gets older (and has more questions and bigger feelings to express)
4. I think my son is an amazing person all-around. How much of that amazingness I can attribute to his being adopted, I’m not sure. Certainly its part of who he is, so its got to be part of the whole package.

Four Things I Wish Everyone Knew About Adoption

1. Adoption is not for everyone. There is no cookie-cutter guide to adoption or the outcome(s).
2. No, adoption is not easy (see above). It’s not easy because it involves deep emotions such as guilt, sorrow, uncertainty, fear, misunderstanding and agony. Adoption is not easy for an adoptive parent because no matter how much you love your child, you still (should) know that child first belonged with a mother who now has empty arms. Adoption can’t possibly be easy for a first mother who I’m certain feels all of those emotions and so many more. Adoption can’t possibly be easy for the adopted person who will always know their life started out differently, and instead someone else chose a different path for them.
3. We have work to do in making changes concerning adoption, and our work is just beginning. The necessity for adoption will never go away, nor will the misunderstandings about adoption. The wish that we could solve all problems (crisis pregnancies, rape, abuse, misguidance, abandonment and coercion) which result in adoptions won’t disappear, so the work to better “the system” must continue. MUST.
4. Adoption is about family – most importantly, ALL of an adopted child’s family. In my mind there should be no separation between “adoptive” or “first” family – a family is a family is a FAMILY.

EVERY Adoptive Parent (including myself) should watch this. We need more understanding from the adoptive parenting side, more understanding about adoption in general, more understanding about the cruel emotions adoption evokes.

EVERY Expectant Mother considering adoption should also watch this. It gets no more raw than what you see here. This is the TRUTH, the REALITY of adoption.

EVERY Adoptee should watch this and know that his/her First Mother did (and does) love them and it took great strength to make this decision.

EVERY First Mother should watch this and know that this woman has been brave enough to share her common moment of truth, horror, love, unbearable sadness and unwavering hope and trust for the future – and to share it with THE WORLD.

EVERYONE who’s life has been effected/affected by adoption or ANYONE who cares about Families, Children, Women, Mothers and Parents should watch this and try to understand. TRY, as hard as it is, to SEE and empathize.

Please watch the video by clicking on “READ MORE”

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